A Scheduled Surgery ....yay!

Good evening! Today was most definitely better than the one before! Work was better, I finished the work week with a massage and Pasta Pomodoro.  As I type, I have a herbal heating pad on my neck as I plan to get caught up on my Tivo'd shows for the week. =) It's all about restoring me to a place of peace!

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update.  My surgeon called today. I advised her that I prefer they perform the lumpectomy and I undergo the radiation treatments.  I asked her about the centimeters of my tumor and the margins of error. She said she will remove the tumor and then make sure she clears around up to the healthy tissue.  At 7:00am the day of the surgery they will inject a marker (radioactive dye) that they can scan for during the surgery to see how far it travels and inspect the health of my lymph nodes.  This will determine the staging that everyone keeps asking about.  While still in surgery, they will remove those first two lymph nodes. In the event the cancer has spread, they will continue to remove as many as necessary.  If the lymph nodes look cancer-free, they will not remove them.  If the surgery goes well, the lump will be removed, along with the cancer and I will continue with radiation treatments for  five days a week for seven weeks.  She advised that my oncologist will be assigned to my case and I will meet with them once my pathology report is back after surgery.  It is still probable that I will also have to endure chemotherapy treatments in addition to the radiation.  I will know a lot more about that after speaking with my oncologist.  

So for now, my breast MRI will be at 7:15am on March 16th. I meet with my surgeon on March 18th at 1:30pm to review those results and receive pre-surgery instructions. And finally, my surgery date will be March 19th! That news alone made my day!  I will be off for about five weeks and she stated I won't immediately begin radiation treatments right after the surgery. They will wait to make sure that they removed all of the cancer.  It will take about a week for them to have that information.  I may have to go back in for additional surgery if they don't have good margins of error around the tumor removal site or if the cancer has spread further than they thought.  We will just cross that bridge when we come to it.  For now, I have a date and a plan and we will make sure to continue on the path of restoration and wellness!!!  

I'm going to tune into ER and enjoy the rest of my Friday night! I wish you all laughter and love until the next time I type!!!

One more thing!

I almost forgot to bring this up.  Some of you recall in the "Decisions, Decisions, Decisions" blog I was thinking that I can just take Tamoxifen and that could work to eradicate the cancer.  Now, it would help not feed the current cells but it won't remove the existing cancer cells or my tumor. Therefore surgery of some degree is necessary at this point!  Hope that clears that up!!!  

Loving you....

My Nip/Tuck Visit & decision...

Yesterday,I went to meet with the plastic surgeon that would be performing the reconstruction of my breasts if I went the route of having a mastectomy.  As you can imagine it was again a pretty daunting experience to look at pictures of what my breast could be should I go that route and hear his words of "I can build you a new breast, but it won't be the same as your old one."  I know it won't be the same, but his words are a reminder that this is not a drill.  We went over the mastectomy process on my left (cancer) breast and me wanting to have a matching pair. He advised it's rare that anyone will want to radiate or remove a perfectly healthy breast.  Well it's not rare for me!!! I want "twins" not distant cousins! I digress, until my MRI on March 16th they won't know if there are cancer cells in my right breast.  At this time we think that there aren't but we never know.  One other concern is that in the past with my ears I had keloids form. And while I don't have any existing ones, he indicated that it is a genetic crap shoot. I don't want to end up looking like Freddy Krueger carved up my chest...ARGH!!!  So, I don't plan on deliberating any more over something that theoretically could change once I get in and out of surgery or until I have my MRI.  I am planning on having the lumpectomy to remove the tumor and deal with the radiation treatments every day for about 7 weeks.  I can only hope that everything goes well and then we won't have to talk about Plan B or C!  My surgeon will be calling me tomorrow afternoon, so I will ask her final questions and go from there and hopefully will have a surgery date soon!!

I was fine last night and am attempting to remain optimistic but today was definitely NOT A GOOD DAY!!  It's been weird. People of course have been inquiring into my mood, tone and while it varies depending on the day and my thought one thing remains that I feel quite lonely even though I know I am not going through this process alone.  I guess it's residual divorce feelings that although I'm with my parents temporarily, at this point in my life I don't feel that they should HAVE to take care of me. For those of you that know my mom, you know that she doesn't mind and wouldn't have it any other way! And while I am glad I didn't up and relocate like I planned to and been out of state and completely alone with no family or friends, it is still hard to accept folks wanting to do things for me. Yes, I know that I'm constantly giving...but that's what I do!!! LOL.  Several people have inquired into even flying to see me and my head is saying stay home because it's a recession!!! I don't want anyone doing anything unnecessary for me because I know that I'm not going to die and that my surgery will go well.  I'm sure it seems like an innate contradiction that I'd reject company even though I feel lonely but today I just feel so ...blah.  

There were good things that happened today. One of my sorority sisters that lives in Hawaii, shared my information to her aunt that lives in the bay area and her mom and they called me this morning. They prayed with and for me and also her aunt is a 3 year breast cancer survivor and is gathering up a bunch of breast cancer related materials for me.  It was a very timely call because I was BEYOND frustrated this morning at work that someone didn't finish a project for me when she said she would before I left for the doctors.  It also helped me focus on the matter at hand.  I know I can't stress because stress only continues to feed the existing cancer cells in my body. But not stressing can be a challenge!!! I've also been told that after I will a "New Titty" Party will be thrown in my honor and THAT made me laugh!  And ya'll know I love a party!!!! =)

So for those of you that pray...keep praying and keeping that positive energy coming! I was supposed to have dinner with a friend but think that bed is calling!!  

I love you all for reading and joining me on the journey....

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

Well it's been a week since the unexpected phone call and here I stand...technically I'm sitting as I type but you know what I mean =)  And while I was certain to an extent of what I wanted a conversation with someone made me think a little differently.  An unexpected conversation with someone who is currently in remission for the identical type of cancer I have made me think that surgery may not be necessary.  Now, while I don't have my MRI results yet, no one has told me that maybe I can treat my cancer with Tamoxifen and keep it moving.  Tamoxifen is a drug that is given to women that have a type of cancer that is treatable with hormone therapy.  So because my cancer is estrogen and progesterone positive Tamoxifen is a drug that will work to stop the receptors from "feeding" my cancer.  Estrogen receptor-positive cancer, means that they have a protein to which estrogen will bind and the breast cancer cells need estrogen to grow.  Estrogen can promote the growth of breast cancer cells.  Tamoxifen works against the effects of estrogen on these cells. It is often called an anti estrogen or a SERM (Selective Estrogen Receptor Modulator).

I know it sounds like a lot, right?  So in addition to all of the above mentioned the person I was talking about who has the cancer I have "invasive ductal carcinoma" did not have surgery. She is only taking tamoxifen and being monitored. Now being that she is in her mid 40's may have something to do with it, but it's an option I honestly didn't know was available to me.  I'm not sure if it's because I have a tumor that makes my situation slightly different but it made me think that maybe I don't have to have surgery.  Right now, I'm not sure if I have a particular preference other than being cancer-free.  If I decide to go the conservative route, I don't want to have to be blogging to y'all in fifteen years saying..."Guess whose back....cancer."  

Tomorrow I meet with the plastic surgeon and you KNOW I have to make my list of questions and discuss possible outcomes. I'm still standing, still here and right now I feel well!!! Thanks for the love! I am off to Kaiser to request a copy of my medical record for me because 1) it's mine and 2) you never know!  I will post more soon just wanted to update ya!

Loving you all!

Quick side note: I am feeling quite empowered right now! I started a list serve specifically as a support system that my sorority sisters could participate in that may not have the support I am beyond blessed to have! So far the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. There isn't anything positive energy can't cure =)

A breast exam saved my life...

Well I survived my morning appointments.  It seemed slightly surreal waking up and even in the waaaay back of my mind I was thinking...maybe it's not cancer, lol. Is that what they call denial?  I'm still extremely encouraged.  The breast care coordinator went over the diagnosis and treatment options along with my specific pathology report.  The thing that I had to keep reminding my mom is that every one's cancer is different.  It's cool to have questions but those things may not relate to me.  I now have more information such as my tissue samples show that my type of cancer is receptive to estrogen and progesterone. From what I was told today that is a "good thing". Meaning I can have medication to block the estrogen receptors that my form of cancer is being fed from. Also, I am negative or her2neu.  I think that meant that my cancer is not aggressive. Yet, another great sign!

After the breast care coordinator meeting, we met with my surgeon. She has been specializing in breast surgeries related to cancer for over 15 years and comes highly recommended. I had another breast exam and she is scheduling me for an MRI to make sure no cancer cells are forming in my right breast as well.  She also scheduled a referral for me to meet with a plastic surgeon to review cosmetic procedures relating to an entire mastectomy versus a lumpectomy.  I received a ton of literature and books to read and prepare myself for the road ahead.  As I type right now. I am pretty confident that I want to have a mastectomy of my left breast and have reconstructive surgery to make it "brand new".  She will be on vacation for the first two weeks in March and so I won't have surgery until the middle of March.  She wants me to consider all of my options and make the choice that is best for me at this stage of my life.  So, I have been deliberating it all in my head but think the left breast removal is best.

After the meeting with the surgeon my mom met my doctor whom I adore!! She advised my mom that she is just so glad that I came in and my mom and I praise her for being thorough and not sending me home with my fatty underarm and telling me nothing was wrong.  As she told me on Friday, "That Breast exam saved your life."  I strongly feel that way and am eager to learn more and not only help myself process everything but help my friends and family cope as well.  

Well, I am off to the movies and to enjoy the rest of a gorgeous Friday here in the bay. I may post more later, but I wanted to let a lot of you know what was going on because my Blackberry wont stop vibrating.  I'm not complaining because I know it's ALL LOVE!!!

LOVING YOU!!!

Until next type...

This is the beginning of the new journey...

And so it begins. Not more than 48 hours since announcing to a few friends and family that yours truly has cancer, the outpouring of love and support has been tremendous.  Now, being the compartmentalized woman that I am, I am trying to stay focused on all things.  But the one thing that I have been holding onto is my creativity, optimism and desire to help others- even though right now people want to help me.  It caused me to think about my main blog and  I really didn't and don't want it to become a "woe is me" reflection on my war with cancer.  So, to keep my current blog a reflection of ALL of my various parts, I have started this one.  If this is your first time stumbling across it then "welcome"!!

Now, many are probably like "wtf" is a cancer drill?!? For many people it may mean many things. For me, when I was having to be the bearer of bad news and tell people that I have cancer the initial reaction- other than shock, has been "Are you kidding?".  As a 28 year old Black woman, hearing those words for myself from my doctor almost sounded like a joke.  But, it's not. And these are the moments in life that no one can fully prepare you for.  There isn't a emergency preparedness kit under my seat like in the event of an airplane crash or the sounding of an earthquake drill in elementary school. There's no "stop, drop and roll" type of advice like when you catch on fire.  I have cancer, it is not a joke and most importantly- this is not a drill!  With cancer...there is NO DRILL! In all of my moments, I honestly wasn't expecting to hear this as a reality. But, in the hopes of even inspiring others I write about my wake up call and my reactions to my diagnosis.  I completely feel like it's better that I have Cancer, than someone else I know and someone that can't cope with hearing what to some amounts as a death sentence. I can handle this and I will beat this.

My mantra for the day has been: "At least it's not AIDS!" Seriously.  With cancer there is a plan, there are treatments and as my godfather always says. "He who does it most, does it best." Meaning, that the surgeons, breast care coordinators and oncologists see this every single day.  I will trust in their judgements based on their experience and look forward to the road to wellness.  I'm just going to tear down the wall in front of me and create my new path.  This is not the end of my journey. This is only the beginning!

Dear Cancer...

***DISCLAIMER***

This is probably the most open and honest blog written by Cinnamon Charm.  Don't "read into" what I'm saying. Just take it for what it is...the truth. My truth.

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Just when I was getting used to looking at my 40 DD breasts in the mirror, something made me stop and re-evaluate their place in my life.  At 9:30am, this morning I received the phone call  from my doctor telling me the one thing that I had no idea was coming. I have cancer.  To say that today has been a shock and a blur is an understatement.  In a way, I think most people that I have spoken to via email, phone or text today remarked that I am alarmingly calm and "normal" with this recent chain of events.  I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't cry at all today and that I haven't gotten choked up when discussing it.  To many of my co-workers amazement, I stayed at work all day and was semi-productive.  In all honesty, I couldn't see how leaving work early would benefit me.  I would go home to do what ...cry?!? Right now, crying won't solve my problem.  Staying at work all day today allowed me a valuable opportunity to breathe and take stock of several things.  I started to make notes.  Now, I have a file folder on melanoma and cancer treatments and information on medical leave and am taking steps in a completely new direction in regards to how I view the world and things in it.  No, I am not considering this a "death sentence" or a "punishment" from God but today for a moment I was petrified.  I have only known one other Black Woman in my age group with breast cancer and unfortunately, Erika is no longer here to guide me through this.  But, in her memory, there are others.  

A close soror friend of mine underwent a double mastectomy last July after hearing similar news to the one I heard today. She is still undergoing reconstruction and is an amazing source of strength and inspiration.  Tonight as we spoke she advised me of the one thing I forgot in this...I have options.  Having cancer is a lot to process and digest.  And believe me I am not finished processing everything.  On Friday, I meet with the surgeon and Kaiser's breast care coordinator to discuss my pathology results and options.  However the one thing my doctor and the breast care coordinator both confirmed is that surgery is being scheduled within the next two weeks to eradicate the cancerous lump in my left breast.

Now, I am faced with the decision of cutting off both breasts to save my life or taking a less aggressive approach in my treatment.  These are not the options I figured I would be facing three months before my twenty-ninth birthday.  In actuality, I was trying to plan a trip for my birthday since it falls on a Friday this year.  I'm not saying I am no longer planning a birthday party but I have no idea how long my recovery process will be and which option I will choose. Right now, it appears I can either remove the lump and have radiation, or remove the entire breast and lastly have both breasts removed.  Now, is it wrong that in verbalizing those options that my ass immediately thinks about my sex life?!?! I've always hated looking at the thin women with obviously fake breasts in pornos and on TV and to think that I could share something in common with them- other than a vagina is...unsettling.  I have embraced my curves and breasts even as I gained weight and never once shied away from telling my bra size.  My breasts are a part of me and a symbol of my life, fertility and sex appeal.  While I know I am still sexy- what role will my breasts play in the new and improved Cinnamon's life?  Will the guys that loved my breasts before- love them still?  Love me still? Or am I committed to this life of being single and sexy yet sex-less.  If I'm freaked out at the thought of touching breasts that haven't always been with me...what's a man to think?!?! Not to mention that if I'm not having sex now, I can pretty much count out having it for a WHILE.  It's almost a good thing I no longer have an FB.  It's one less person I have to tell or have feel sorry for me or have sex with me out of pity or empathy.

As sad as it may sound, I really don't want the look of pity or even the "death glare" with people feeling sorry for me because of my situation.  It's not the end of the world. It's just another pot hole in the road called life that continuously tries to jack up my alignment.  It is a irony that can't be described that the object on me that helps to feed and give life is working to take mine.  After my shower tonight I looked at my breast and said, "I can't believe you're trying to KILL ME!!!"  It's also a good thing that I've given up on the thoughts of having kids.  I wouldn't be able to possibly breast feed them anyway!!!  Sad, but true. However, in the twelve hours since I was told the news, I have received love and support, laughter and hugs from those that are here with me on my journey. Telling my mother went much better than I expected and once this blog is sent and more friends and family are told, I know that more love and well wishes will come.  Don't be alarmed if I don't answer my phone. I won't always feel like talking or repeating myself.  It's nothing personal, but again the only child in me is comfortable rolling solo.  I appreciate your love, prayers, and words of advice and you for listening to me vent- in advance.  In order to prevent me from being overwhelmed- just telling you all that I love you for reading and for being there for now and always.  Please don't tell me "I'm sorry"... YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!  If anything, I have a beef with cancer- NOT YOU as my friend!!! 

It is still my belief in the words of Dead Prez, that "there's no coincidence...there's too many steady incidents."  There are too many women. Young women, Old women, Black Women, White Women affected by a disease that for lack of a better word "doesn't give a shit".  Cancer's a cold customer.  But it just encountered a equally cold adversary.  I'm up for the fight, challenge and new adventure. Stay tuned because apparently the ride may get a little rough. But I am in it for the long haul and I hope you're here with me!!! 

I will keep you posted as the thoughts come and in the meanwhile love yourself, your body, your spirit and your circle!  I will leave you with my sample letter to an unidentified visitor:

Dear Cancer,

We have to have a serious conversation.  Who do you think you are?  Somehow, for some strange reason, I feel that your sneaky ass tried to play me. And NO ONE plays games on me!! It has been brought to my attention that you are attempting to take up residence in my left breast. Who in the hell, told you that shit was ok?!  I'm just letting you know that you are being served notice to leave the premises.  If you choose to ignore this notice to vacate, be forewarned that I'm kicking your ass out.  For the record, I run this shit- not you.  Don't get it twisted. Play time is over and this is NOT DRILL!!!

Thanks,

Cinnamon a.k.a. The Landlord

© 2009 Cinnamon Charm