My Nip/Tuck Visit & decision...

Yesterday,I went to meet with the plastic surgeon that would be performing the reconstruction of my breasts if I went the route of having a mastectomy.  As you can imagine it was again a pretty daunting experience to look at pictures of what my breast could be should I go that route and hear his words of "I can build you a new breast, but it won't be the same as your old one."  I know it won't be the same, but his words are a reminder that this is not a drill.  We went over the mastectomy process on my left (cancer) breast and me wanting to have a matching pair. He advised it's rare that anyone will want to radiate or remove a perfectly healthy breast.  Well it's not rare for me!!! I want "twins" not distant cousins! I digress, until my MRI on March 16th they won't know if there are cancer cells in my right breast.  At this time we think that there aren't but we never know.  One other concern is that in the past with my ears I had keloids form. And while I don't have any existing ones, he indicated that it is a genetic crap shoot. I don't want to end up looking like Freddy Krueger carved up my chest...ARGH!!!  So, I don't plan on deliberating any more over something that theoretically could change once I get in and out of surgery or until I have my MRI.  I am planning on having the lumpectomy to remove the tumor and deal with the radiation treatments every day for about 7 weeks.  I can only hope that everything goes well and then we won't have to talk about Plan B or C!  My surgeon will be calling me tomorrow afternoon, so I will ask her final questions and go from there and hopefully will have a surgery date soon!!

I was fine last night and am attempting to remain optimistic but today was definitely NOT A GOOD DAY!!  It's been weird. People of course have been inquiring into my mood, tone and while it varies depending on the day and my thought one thing remains that I feel quite lonely even though I know I am not going through this process alone.  I guess it's residual divorce feelings that although I'm with my parents temporarily, at this point in my life I don't feel that they should HAVE to take care of me. For those of you that know my mom, you know that she doesn't mind and wouldn't have it any other way! And while I am glad I didn't up and relocate like I planned to and been out of state and completely alone with no family or friends, it is still hard to accept folks wanting to do things for me. Yes, I know that I'm constantly giving...but that's what I do!!! LOL.  Several people have inquired into even flying to see me and my head is saying stay home because it's a recession!!! I don't want anyone doing anything unnecessary for me because I know that I'm not going to die and that my surgery will go well.  I'm sure it seems like an innate contradiction that I'd reject company even though I feel lonely but today I just feel so ...blah.  

There were good things that happened today. One of my sorority sisters that lives in Hawaii, shared my information to her aunt that lives in the bay area and her mom and they called me this morning. They prayed with and for me and also her aunt is a 3 year breast cancer survivor and is gathering up a bunch of breast cancer related materials for me.  It was a very timely call because I was BEYOND frustrated this morning at work that someone didn't finish a project for me when she said she would before I left for the doctors.  It also helped me focus on the matter at hand.  I know I can't stress because stress only continues to feed the existing cancer cells in my body. But not stressing can be a challenge!!! I've also been told that after I will a "New Titty" Party will be thrown in my honor and THAT made me laugh!  And ya'll know I love a party!!!! =)

So for those of you that pray...keep praying and keeping that positive energy coming! I was supposed to have dinner with a friend but think that bed is calling!!  

I love you all for reading and joining me on the journey....