Dear Cancer...

***DISCLAIMER***

This is probably the most open and honest blog written by Cinnamon Charm.  Don't "read into" what I'm saying. Just take it for what it is...the truth. My truth.

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Just when I was getting used to looking at my 40 DD breasts in the mirror, something made me stop and re-evaluate their place in my life.  At 9:30am, this morning I received the phone call  from my doctor telling me the one thing that I had no idea was coming. I have cancer.  To say that today has been a shock and a blur is an understatement.  In a way, I think most people that I have spoken to via email, phone or text today remarked that I am alarmingly calm and "normal" with this recent chain of events.  I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't cry at all today and that I haven't gotten choked up when discussing it.  To many of my co-workers amazement, I stayed at work all day and was semi-productive.  In all honesty, I couldn't see how leaving work early would benefit me.  I would go home to do what ...cry?!? Right now, crying won't solve my problem.  Staying at work all day today allowed me a valuable opportunity to breathe and take stock of several things.  I started to make notes.  Now, I have a file folder on melanoma and cancer treatments and information on medical leave and am taking steps in a completely new direction in regards to how I view the world and things in it.  No, I am not considering this a "death sentence" or a "punishment" from God but today for a moment I was petrified.  I have only known one other Black Woman in my age group with breast cancer and unfortunately, Erika is no longer here to guide me through this.  But, in her memory, there are others.  

A close soror friend of mine underwent a double mastectomy last July after hearing similar news to the one I heard today. She is still undergoing reconstruction and is an amazing source of strength and inspiration.  Tonight as we spoke she advised me of the one thing I forgot in this...I have options.  Having cancer is a lot to process and digest.  And believe me I am not finished processing everything.  On Friday, I meet with the surgeon and Kaiser's breast care coordinator to discuss my pathology results and options.  However the one thing my doctor and the breast care coordinator both confirmed is that surgery is being scheduled within the next two weeks to eradicate the cancerous lump in my left breast.

Now, I am faced with the decision of cutting off both breasts to save my life or taking a less aggressive approach in my treatment.  These are not the options I figured I would be facing three months before my twenty-ninth birthday.  In actuality, I was trying to plan a trip for my birthday since it falls on a Friday this year.  I'm not saying I am no longer planning a birthday party but I have no idea how long my recovery process will be and which option I will choose. Right now, it appears I can either remove the lump and have radiation, or remove the entire breast and lastly have both breasts removed.  Now, is it wrong that in verbalizing those options that my ass immediately thinks about my sex life?!?! I've always hated looking at the thin women with obviously fake breasts in pornos and on TV and to think that I could share something in common with them- other than a vagina is...unsettling.  I have embraced my curves and breasts even as I gained weight and never once shied away from telling my bra size.  My breasts are a part of me and a symbol of my life, fertility and sex appeal.  While I know I am still sexy- what role will my breasts play in the new and improved Cinnamon's life?  Will the guys that loved my breasts before- love them still?  Love me still? Or am I committed to this life of being single and sexy yet sex-less.  If I'm freaked out at the thought of touching breasts that haven't always been with me...what's a man to think?!?! Not to mention that if I'm not having sex now, I can pretty much count out having it for a WHILE.  It's almost a good thing I no longer have an FB.  It's one less person I have to tell or have feel sorry for me or have sex with me out of pity or empathy.

As sad as it may sound, I really don't want the look of pity or even the "death glare" with people feeling sorry for me because of my situation.  It's not the end of the world. It's just another pot hole in the road called life that continuously tries to jack up my alignment.  It is a irony that can't be described that the object on me that helps to feed and give life is working to take mine.  After my shower tonight I looked at my breast and said, "I can't believe you're trying to KILL ME!!!"  It's also a good thing that I've given up on the thoughts of having kids.  I wouldn't be able to possibly breast feed them anyway!!!  Sad, but true. However, in the twelve hours since I was told the news, I have received love and support, laughter and hugs from those that are here with me on my journey. Telling my mother went much better than I expected and once this blog is sent and more friends and family are told, I know that more love and well wishes will come.  Don't be alarmed if I don't answer my phone. I won't always feel like talking or repeating myself.  It's nothing personal, but again the only child in me is comfortable rolling solo.  I appreciate your love, prayers, and words of advice and you for listening to me vent- in advance.  In order to prevent me from being overwhelmed- just telling you all that I love you for reading and for being there for now and always.  Please don't tell me "I'm sorry"... YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!  If anything, I have a beef with cancer- NOT YOU as my friend!!! 

It is still my belief in the words of Dead Prez, that "there's no coincidence...there's too many steady incidents."  There are too many women. Young women, Old women, Black Women, White Women affected by a disease that for lack of a better word "doesn't give a shit".  Cancer's a cold customer.  But it just encountered a equally cold adversary.  I'm up for the fight, challenge and new adventure. Stay tuned because apparently the ride may get a little rough. But I am in it for the long haul and I hope you're here with me!!! 

I will keep you posted as the thoughts come and in the meanwhile love yourself, your body, your spirit and your circle!  I will leave you with my sample letter to an unidentified visitor:

Dear Cancer,

We have to have a serious conversation.  Who do you think you are?  Somehow, for some strange reason, I feel that your sneaky ass tried to play me. And NO ONE plays games on me!! It has been brought to my attention that you are attempting to take up residence in my left breast. Who in the hell, told you that shit was ok?!  I'm just letting you know that you are being served notice to leave the premises.  If you choose to ignore this notice to vacate, be forewarned that I'm kicking your ass out.  For the record, I run this shit- not you.  Don't get it twisted. Play time is over and this is NOT DRILL!!!

Thanks,

Cinnamon a.k.a. The Landlord

© 2009 Cinnamon Charm