Just Breathe...

Today was better than the one before.  I have 95% completed the clean-up project I embarked upon in my room to get in"surgery ready".  This morning I had my breast molding with a wonderful woman who works at Sutter Solano hospital.  The process was a tad messy but fun!  She was great and modesty went completely out of the window as we recreated a lasting memory of what my breasts are prior to surgery.  Here's a picture of the semi-final project.  

I still have to fill in some of the weak spots and sand it and glaze it and then I have to decide what the final design will be!  I will definitely make sure to reveal the final finished project once it's completed! 

After, my breast impression I headed over to my second opinion appointment with Sutter Solano Medical Center's Cancer Center.  It is a warm and inviting new building that is only a few years old.  Of course, mom was in tow and we met with Dr.M and she reviewed my chart, history and discussed the local and systemic treatment options for someone facing my diagnosis.  As most doctors have commented, my age is very shocking but a reminder that Cancer is a very random thing these days.  Most cases are showing that all newly diagnosed cancer patients like me, have zero family history.  Research is critical in finding out more information of this deadly disease.  At any rate, we discussed how my tumor had been benign for several years and then recently turned cancerous.  She remarked that it is quite rare for doctors to see well differentiated cancer cells such as the one's I have.  Because my cancer is very slow growing, it is plausible that I have had it longer than the 6month-1 year estimate made by my doctor originally.  However, she agreed that i haven't had it for 9 years which is about as long as it has been since I first had the fine needle biopsy when I was in college.  As far as treatment, she felt that a lumpectomy would be the good choice but with the recent phone call I received from my surgeon-things may change.

While driving to the appointment, I received a call from my breast surgeon at Kaiser who received the results of my breast MRI a day early.  There is good news and bad (unknown) news.  My right breast is still normal and healthy... YAY!  However, my left breast shows other markings that could be a cyst or nodules that could be normal..or they could also be malignant as well.  Clearly, this changes things in regards to the approach and treatment plan.  An emergency appointment was scheduled with radiology for 10am tomorrow to find out a bit more on what it is.  If in fact there are other suspicious elements in my breast the better of the options may be to undergo the mastectomy of that breast.  This becomes an option because they can't perform "multiple" lumpectomies on the one breast and also because my current tumor was benign at one point and it changed...who's to say these other cysts could change later too?  As I've said before, I want to be on the road to recovery and having to reinvent the wheel with more surgeries for something I could have stopped initially would be ideal.  One other thing that came out of the 2nd opinion consultation is the fact that I should expect to have a chemo treatment regimen.  Studies are showing that women such as myself that are pre-menopausal have a greater success rate when they undergo a chemo treatment.  This is especially true considering that my tumor size is around 3cm which is considered moderately large.  The tumor size can also impact the cancer recurrence rate.  In short, she advised me that i should consider shopping for wigs now. 

So two potentially heavy blows, but here I sit and I'm still "hanging in here".  I will try and keep everyone informed on what happens tomorrow.  If in fact I have the mastectomy then I should expect a hospital stay and a longer recovery period.  In the meanwhile, I'm just breathing and taking it in one breathe and one day at a time.  Earlier today I spoke with Judi Grove, the owner of Breast Impressions and she again remarked at my strength and attitude when I called to thank her for my kit and tell her how well it all went.  One thing she said struck me.  She said that she tries to not have any expectations and only see opportunities.  I've had a similar approach with people in terms of not expecting them to do anything because it saves me from being disappointed in the end.  But, I have never thought to change that thinking into an approach of a situation.  I tried very hard not to expect things to go a certain way this week because honestly, I didn't expect to get cancer!!! Again, no one does but it wasn't my personal life plan and it's obvious that greater plans are in store for me.  So many of the words I keep hearing in my cards and from all of you is in regards to my strength.  Thanks for thinking so! I'm just pushing through and trying to swim on.  It's a challenge but when I have my moments I start by just breathing and returning to the basics.  Tomorrow will be another important lesson on the journey with patience and breathing...I'll keep you posted.  Thanks for reading and your unyielding support!

Until tomorrow, sleep well! 

The Cookie Officially Crumbled...

If I were to be a cookie, then today I probably would have been a Chocolate Chip.  Each carefully sculpted chip would have represented one emotion felt throughout the course of the day.  However, the name and flavor of the chip simply would have been "overwhelmed".  I'll start with a brief rundown of the day.  This morning I was up at 5:45am so I can make it to Kaiser Walnut Creek for my Breast MRI by 7:00.  I asked my aunt to tag along on the expedition because she works there and to give her a chance to be included in my cancer journey.  The drive, parking and getting to Kaiser went well and the 30 minute drive was virtually traffic free which is rare on a Monday morning.  I wasn't sure what to expect from the breast MRI and didn't find out what i was getting myself into until I was let back into the actual room.  Like most MRI's you are in a flat "bed" that is pushed and pulled into the scanner. However with a breast MRI, you are face down with arms in front of your head like a prayer pose while laying flat as your breasts dangle through a rectangular shaped cavity.  I also had no idea that I would be receiving and IV today.  The red and blue mark on my arm hours later is a lingering reminder of the day and that more marks will be coming this week as I get stuck again at Thursday's surgery.  The purpose of today's IV was to inject a die into me to allow for a better scan.  30 minutes later of laying in this position, with ear plugs in my ears I was done and allowed to leave.  I actually felt crippled as I left because my back pain was excruciating from having to hold so still.  I just kept trying to breathe through the noise and at one point I think I fell asleep but the noise quickly brought me back to reality.

After the MRI was breakfast with my aunt and then she graciously accompanied me home to pick up my disability paperwork prior to heading to Kaiser Vallejo.  Now, last night, a group of sisters and aunts were all but yelling at me to get my papers in asap, although the medical secretary told me they couldn't accept them until my pre-op or the day of surgery because in some cases people cancel the surgery and the paperwork has already been submitted.  Well, I went to the medical secretaries office with all forms in hand and completed and was pleasantly surprised that I was allowed to drop them off and submit them. Score one for team Charm.  Now, the other minor disturbance today, was that my car made a grinding noise as I pulled away from the curb as I left Kaiser Walnut Creek.  It of course was alarming because for those of you that really know me- you know how much I love my car and that my car is my sanctuary!!! Driving it truly gives me peace of mind...unless there's traffic and even then sometimes I am ok!  At any rate, I'm taking my car into the shop tomorrow morning but it is just one more thing to add to the list of things going on this week.  

While, on the way to take my aunt home, I get a call from Sutter Solano Cancer Center regarding scheduling an appointment for tomorrow for a 2nd opinion.  My mom along with the woman in charge of my new support group, have been feeling very strongly that I should still obtain a 2nd opinion prior to any surgery.  Now, I won't say that she's biased because she works for Sutter but it is very frustrating to have one more thing thrown into the mix 3 days before surgery.  She and my mom spoke at great length about it on Saturday and I understand them both wanting me to receive the best care possible for my condition but the irony is that I'm the one with cancer and I swear it feels like most days- no one is really listening to me.  It is with that sentiment and also feeling like I am alone and will forever be single in my "post-cancer" life that this cookie, officially crumbled today.  It wasn't a nervous shake crumble, but there were tears and me crawling into bed for a much needed nap.  It wasn't until talking with a couple of friends via GCHAT and one on the phone that I attempted to leave the doldrums.  I won't lie, it was a very hard thing to do today.  A group of close friends had planned a "pre-surgery soiree" at Skate's which is a seafood restaurant on the water in Berkeley.  I followed instructions and got dolled up for the occasion although today's activities left me drained and frustrated to no end.  I am just getting back from the dinner and had a really great time. Good food, great friends and a gorgeous environment.  A chat with one of the girls at the end of the night left me feeling a little bit better about reaching out when I need things and when I really do feel alone.  On Saturday, it was terrible.  I didn't eat my first meal until after 9pm and partly because I was so depressed that I couldn't find anyone to do the two things I had wanted to do.  One was head to Nordstroms and the other was to head to my favorite winery.  Both were strikes and I didn't want to inconvenience anyone else at the last minute and be disappointed anymore so I stayed in the bed.  Yes, I probably needed some me time, but I'm sure I will get plenty of that after surgery.  It's a delicate balance. I feel alone but I don't want to guilt or burden anyone else to spend time with me when I know they have an equally demanding schedule.

And speaking of schedule's, I will wrap up this update/vent.  I've gotta finish cleaning up the room and get ready to have my car at the shop at 9:00 and then be home for my breast casting at 10:00.  Then  my 2nd opinion consultation at the cancer center is scheduled for 2:15pm and that leaves time for me to clean up after my 10am breast casting. It never ends.  I will update you all tomorrow on how it goes if time permits.  So don't worry about this cookie.  I'm putting the pieces back together and overall, I'm still in tact.  

Until the next time I type, take care and love each other....

My Cancer "Birthday"

I am so loved.  I really am.  I can't even describe the positive energy, gifts and expressions I've received today and over the past 3 weeks.  I can't describe it!  Today was my last official day at work prior to surgery.  It started on a bad note considering I didn't wake up until 7:45am which is when I am usually at my desk!!!!  Oh well!  I still showered, dressed and wore the pink and green breast cancer jacket that I designed and headed off to "Alcatraz".  It was a good day! I had lunch with a small group of coworkers and they presented me with the cutest gift!!! It was definitely a cancer themed gift and a story went with each item.  I've attached photos so that this makes a bit more sense!!  Everything in bold is the name of the gift/product.

Here's the letter word for word from my coworkers:

Our Dearest Charmayne,

There are very few people that we meet in our life that we can truly say are beautiful.Being beautiful is much more than being beautiful to the sight or the mind, but it's also about being elegant, lovely, fair, charming, graceful, and delightful as well.  So as you take on this crazy battle with breast cancer, always know that you are beautiful both inside and out.  It radiates from whom you are and can be spotted in you from a mile a way!!

So let's take a look inside!  What is this gift we have here?  As you take a look at this, there are things we should explain.

This gift is divided into 3 different parts; we have the diagnosis, the treatment, and the recovery.  So lets begin :-)

The Diagnosis:

Just a Minute!!! Now wait just a minute...that is what was running through our minds as you shared your diagnosis with us.  How can this be? Your only 28?  I am sure you thought the exact same thing.

Delicate Petals:  With your diagnosis comes the reality of us all being delicate petals in this world. Cancer knows no age, no sex, and no color.  We all are vulnerable to this nasty illness.

The Treatment:

Smarties..Being the strong smarty-pants that we know you are, you immediately began researching all of your options. You chose to show cancer just who it was messing with.

Tough as Nails..Wow did cancer choose the wrong girl. :-) You are tough as nails and we know you are going to be just fine. But if you need us...we will be

 your strengthening topcoat.

Protected...rest you're weary head my friend, we've got your back!!!

Sweethearts...now come on...do I really need to explain this one.  Sweet and sassy, gotta love it!!!!

Beauty Rush Lip Gloss...This one holds double the meaning.  1st of all, you never know when there will be a cute tech just around the next corner so you always need to be prepared. 2nd you know what, cancer can just kiss your sweet ass!!!!  (On a personal note this is my fav! Especially since they know I have like EVERY flavor! I love this lip gloss!)

Orbitz...Puuuulllllllllllleezzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeee....like you are going to brush your teeth after surgery!! I know I wouldn't.

The Recovery:

Don't Worry Be Hoppy!! Sing it now...don't worry...be happy now!!! There will be days that you just don't want to think about a thing and you will have time to fill.  Be a kid again, learn how much fun coloring can be :-)

Healing through Humor...Just in case you need a little help with a good laugh.  After all, you will not have your Copart family to laugh at for a little while so you might need ideas.

Healing Garden Uplifting Jasmine..For those moments that you need to sooth your soul.  It's amazing how just a great lotion can take you away for a few moments.

Alcatraz..So...you think you are having it rough? Give a shout out to all of us here at Copart. Can you say ball and chain? Can you hear them? 

Encouragement. Just a few words to lift your day!

Brighton Key Chain...We chose this key chain as a symbol of the road you will travel, There will be dark and light days ahead, but always know you will be feeling bright-and shiny real soon.

McDonald Dollars...Now come on...You know you love it!!!

Have fun with your gifts! All of Our Love,

Your Copart Family

So, along with the gift there was a card signed by everyone.  Now, at my job we pass cards around almost every day it seems for everyone to sign to wish someone a happy birthday.  Out of habit, one coworker signed my "get well soon" card and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"  It was the funniest thing!!! I looked at the writing on the Barnes and Noble gift card I received and it also said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!! So even though it was my other coworkers actual birthday today i feel as if I shared in the love and it was my "cancer birthday!"  It reminded me of the Oprah episode from last week in which she filmed live from Walter Reed hospital in DC and spoke with the amputees and veterans about their "alive day".  And that's the day they woke up from being blown up or shot and realized that they are in fact still alive.  I am so blessed to be alive and well!!! And even though I am not at 100% right now, I will be very soon! So maybe my diagnosis date of 2-17-09 is my "cancer birthday!" The date I was reborn into something better, stronger and more alive.

After the presentation, the rest of my day went smoothly.  My desk is tidy and I had my Friday afternoon hour and a half appointment with "magic hands".  I LOVE my masseuse!  After that I met my mom for dinner at where else but Pasta Pomodoro!! It's becoming my Friday ritual..massage and pasta!.  Now, I am going to clean up and unwind and watch last night's episodes of Grey's Anatomy and ER. 

The weather may have had something to do with it but it was an amazingly beautiful day!!!! I'm so lucky to have amazing coworkers to share it and although many of you reading aren't here with me physically as I make my journey but please believe everything you have done and continue to do brighten my days and nights!!!

Until then...6 days and counting!!!!

Smile, Laugh and be well....

Seven Whole Days

Seven whole days until surgery!  It seemed like forever-ago (yes, I'm aware that's not a word, lol) when I was called and told of my diagnosis.  While it's only been 3 weeks so much has happened! And now we are in the single digit countdown towards a life-defining surgery.  It's almost pre-emptive to place a lot of weight on the surgery before knowing it's outcome, but I not only feel that it will go well, I know that in the smallest event it doesn't, I am mentally prepared for that option too.  The phrase "shit happens" couldn't be more relevant here!!! Things happen and when they do you have either prepared for it or not.  I think I am still in an awesome state of mind and open to the possibilities and the things that can occur while firmly grasping hold of the images of me post recovery.  Imagery and positive thinking are important tools to have in any one's arsenal.  It's taken sometime, but I am beginning to use mine.  I'm not worried, not overwhelmed (not even with work) and I am not afraid of anything or anyone.  Things can and will only get better for me at this point, but I think it's not only because I want them to but because I actually see the forest through the trees!!! And I have to tell you...it looks beautiful!!!  Well, I am off to straighten up and watch TV on my FAVORITE night!!! Until another post, speak positive, think positive and then you will be positive!!!

Loving you!!!

Coming out of the background...

...and into the foreground is a friend, subscriber and supporter, Jenn!

In preparation for next weeks big surgery, she agreed to be the fingers for my thoughts and words until I'm able to successfully wield my 16lb laptop. Yes, my HP really does weigh that much! So, you may see her added as a co-author of the blog and that will be until I'm up and running!  A few of you have also offered to help me in a plethora of ways and I will have a job for some of you soon, if I don't already!!  

So don't be surprised to see a post that "sounds" like me but is from Jenn =)  It's also possible that I may have someone log in as me while they visit if I have something I'd like to blog about. I know that all of you don't really expect me to sit idly by after surgery and that's just my restless nature!!! I've actually posted from my Blackberry before so that's another option too.  I just wanted to give you that update and otherwise, stay tuned and well until the next episode...

Sharing an old cup with new friends...

Not much has happened since my last post. I'm still in good spirits and while it seems many around me are whispering and waiting for the other shoe to drop, my spirit remains in tact and possibly stronger than it has in a very long time.  I was so sad most of 2008 and swallowed those feelings for so long that I almost see my cancer diagnosis as blessing and a means for me to escape the old me as I transition into this next phase of my life.  

Today was another good day on the cancer front but the world's WORST cramps in America kept me from attending work.  It's the first sick day I've had since January and my diagnosis.  It came at a good time and I was able to really rest my body and calm my mind.  This weekend I was in a cleaning/organizing state-of-mind to make my room "surgery ready".  I know I won't be able to lift and I want to have all of my books and movies ready and accessible.  In my cleaning spree- I was desperately searching for a brochure that I picked up at my last Relay For Life in August.  I finally found it and made a call to Judi of Breast Impressions. Breast Impressions is an amazing non-profit organization  based in Oklahoma, that offers a memory to women that are faced with breast cancer surgery.  I originally picked up the flier wishing that I could have known about it in time to share with my friend that had her double mastectomy the month before the cancer walk.  I never thought that the flier I took then would be the flier that gives me comfort and hope 7 months later.  Judi was beyond amazing.  The organization provides the breast casting kits free of charge to all women diagnosed with breast cancer even those out of her home state.  She also referred me to the local nurse that had the booth at the Relay for Life, last August. I've already emailed with Peggy and she has agreed to come help me do my casting of my breasts before my surgery!  Because it's paper mache it really is a two-person job.  Once my cast is done I'll decorate it and have a work of art that is personal and perfectly me.  Please check out their website and photo gallery so you can have a better idea of what I mean! 

Young Survival Coalition is another resource I was given today by Judi and it's a group that started to bring awareness to survivors of breast cancer that are younger than 40.  It's sad that even within a disease there can be so much ageism and people thinking "you shouldn't have breast cancer because you're not 42".  Those thoughts exist and while every day a 1/4 of a million women under 40 live in this country with breast cancer more can be done to change the stigma associated with breast cancer.  I'm looking forward to being contacted by them and I created an online profile to meet with other young survivors.  Although I have a lot of support, my issues and thoughts are different based on my age and current experiences.  I'm looking forward to becoming an advocate for other young women and helping to change the way the world views breast cancer and the women surviving it every day.

Keeping with a positive breast cancer day, it ended tonight as I attended my first support group for breast cancer survivors.  "The Over-Flowing Cup" is a breast health and women's empowerment program that began in Solano County by a mother and daughter duo that were diagnosed with breast cancer within three months of each other.  The group has grown a lot since 2000 but their mission of early breast cancer detection and establishing a culturally sensitive support group and services for the county remain the same.  I went back in forth in my head for a short while regarding attending the meeting.  Not because I didn't think that I could benefit from a support group at this stage of my diagnosis, but because I truly didn't want to be engulfed in any one's "pity party".  My commitment to fighting my cancer is strong and I don't need anyone else trying to rain or stomp on my parade.  Let's just say that tonight I was pleasantly surprised at the intimate group and sister setting.  We met at a local Starbucks and I not only shared my story but smiles over one of my favorite drinks.  The majority of the group have been survivors for 5 years or more, while one first time member is undergoing chemo and nearing the end of her treatment journey while mine is just beginning.  However, no matter the place on the journey, I was given encouragement of things to expect and that in the event my seemingly positive and optimistic persona "cracks" it's ok.  That moment will only allow me to dig deeper and if it doesn't come- that's all right too.  One of the things that was said tonight that really stuck with me is that a woman isn't defined by her breast cup- or even the existence of breasts at all.  Breasts don't determine worth.  It's a great thought and I'm going to try and repeat it daily and not take the surgery of my breasts so personally.  So while drinking my favorite coffee drink (5 pump soy white mocha, stirred with whip) I made new friends and sisters that embrace me and where I am at this point of a journey that is so familiar to them.  I am now committed to helping them with their local outreach and fundraising for their 6th annual black and white gala in May "Steppin' to Survive".  I can't wait!

So, all in all, things are going well 9 days until surgery.  We're in a single digit countdown and I'm still ready to rock-and-roll into surgery and get this over and done with.  Thanks again for rolling with me!  I'm sure all of you are sleeping well and I'm going to crawl in bed and join you! Good night (morning) and sweet dreams!!! Be well!

Boob Voyage!

As I've mentioned before, I am so fortunate to have a wonderful support system! From prayer warriors to sorors to close family friends I have and awesome team to help me navigate this cancer journey.  But, what makes my journey that much more of a blessing (or a curse depending on how one views it) is that I know several women who have stood and walked in the shoes I am in today.  One of my "guides" and I spoke today and on Saturday and talked about groups and although I have known her for a while, it was the first time that I actually heard her story of beating cancer.  She is a 6 year breast cancer survivor and had a staging of three almost four at the time she was diagnosed.  It is clear she has a purpose here and isn't done with her journey- just like I'm not done with mine.  Well, she ended up having to have a mastectomy to remove her breast and has continued to battle breast cancer in her other one and has had a lumpectomy in the other breast.  Being post fifty she decided against having reconstruction on the original breast and next Thursday she has decided to remove her other remaining breast- voluntarily.  She was hesitant to tell me of next Thursday's surgery because she knows that all of this cancer talk is quite new to me.  But she invited me to her "Boob Voyage Party"!!!  I was too excited for her and although she says it is hard to tell those invited that she is not going to have a perky new set, but is going for the "board" look.  We laughed as she told me she's excited to finally do her yoga moves and running on the treadmill without her boobs getting in the way.  

It is in these moments, that I am so fortunate to be where I am.  A woman who has the sense of humor to laugh at life and all of the CRAP that's being thrown my way.  As many of you have spoken with me in the past two weeks you have heard many of my Cancer related jokes!  Some of you have found it "odd" but I won't apologize for making you uncomfortable.  Laughter is an amazing healer and I'm finding it is working at keeping me from going insane!!! It's laughter, friends and prayer that are keeping me on the winning end of what many would think is the short end of the stick.  So keep laughing with me and praying for me and together we will make it through this and the rest of the things that are tossed at us that we would rather avoid.  In the end, once we've cleaned up all the crap we have more than enough reasons to celebrate!!!  I can't wait to celebrate at my own mini version of the boob voyage party and enjoy the sweet taste of victory and the refreshing reminder of while it is good to have a good life, good friends and someone you love, it is important to have family and friends that you love in your life but most important that they love you in return!!!  Thanks for all of the love!

Until next post.... boob voyage, be well and love each other and yourself!!!