The Cookie Officially Crumbled...

If I were to be a cookie, then today I probably would have been a Chocolate Chip.  Each carefully sculpted chip would have represented one emotion felt throughout the course of the day.  However, the name and flavor of the chip simply would have been "overwhelmed".  I'll start with a brief rundown of the day.  This morning I was up at 5:45am so I can make it to Kaiser Walnut Creek for my Breast MRI by 7:00.  I asked my aunt to tag along on the expedition because she works there and to give her a chance to be included in my cancer journey.  The drive, parking and getting to Kaiser went well and the 30 minute drive was virtually traffic free which is rare on a Monday morning.  I wasn't sure what to expect from the breast MRI and didn't find out what i was getting myself into until I was let back into the actual room.  Like most MRI's you are in a flat "bed" that is pushed and pulled into the scanner. However with a breast MRI, you are face down with arms in front of your head like a prayer pose while laying flat as your breasts dangle through a rectangular shaped cavity.  I also had no idea that I would be receiving and IV today.  The red and blue mark on my arm hours later is a lingering reminder of the day and that more marks will be coming this week as I get stuck again at Thursday's surgery.  The purpose of today's IV was to inject a die into me to allow for a better scan.  30 minutes later of laying in this position, with ear plugs in my ears I was done and allowed to leave.  I actually felt crippled as I left because my back pain was excruciating from having to hold so still.  I just kept trying to breathe through the noise and at one point I think I fell asleep but the noise quickly brought me back to reality.

After the MRI was breakfast with my aunt and then she graciously accompanied me home to pick up my disability paperwork prior to heading to Kaiser Vallejo.  Now, last night, a group of sisters and aunts were all but yelling at me to get my papers in asap, although the medical secretary told me they couldn't accept them until my pre-op or the day of surgery because in some cases people cancel the surgery and the paperwork has already been submitted.  Well, I went to the medical secretaries office with all forms in hand and completed and was pleasantly surprised that I was allowed to drop them off and submit them. Score one for team Charm.  Now, the other minor disturbance today, was that my car made a grinding noise as I pulled away from the curb as I left Kaiser Walnut Creek.  It of course was alarming because for those of you that really know me- you know how much I love my car and that my car is my sanctuary!!! Driving it truly gives me peace of mind...unless there's traffic and even then sometimes I am ok!  At any rate, I'm taking my car into the shop tomorrow morning but it is just one more thing to add to the list of things going on this week.  

While, on the way to take my aunt home, I get a call from Sutter Solano Cancer Center regarding scheduling an appointment for tomorrow for a 2nd opinion.  My mom along with the woman in charge of my new support group, have been feeling very strongly that I should still obtain a 2nd opinion prior to any surgery.  Now, I won't say that she's biased because she works for Sutter but it is very frustrating to have one more thing thrown into the mix 3 days before surgery.  She and my mom spoke at great length about it on Saturday and I understand them both wanting me to receive the best care possible for my condition but the irony is that I'm the one with cancer and I swear it feels like most days- no one is really listening to me.  It is with that sentiment and also feeling like I am alone and will forever be single in my "post-cancer" life that this cookie, officially crumbled today.  It wasn't a nervous shake crumble, but there were tears and me crawling into bed for a much needed nap.  It wasn't until talking with a couple of friends via GCHAT and one on the phone that I attempted to leave the doldrums.  I won't lie, it was a very hard thing to do today.  A group of close friends had planned a "pre-surgery soiree" at Skate's which is a seafood restaurant on the water in Berkeley.  I followed instructions and got dolled up for the occasion although today's activities left me drained and frustrated to no end.  I am just getting back from the dinner and had a really great time. Good food, great friends and a gorgeous environment.  A chat with one of the girls at the end of the night left me feeling a little bit better about reaching out when I need things and when I really do feel alone.  On Saturday, it was terrible.  I didn't eat my first meal until after 9pm and partly because I was so depressed that I couldn't find anyone to do the two things I had wanted to do.  One was head to Nordstroms and the other was to head to my favorite winery.  Both were strikes and I didn't want to inconvenience anyone else at the last minute and be disappointed anymore so I stayed in the bed.  Yes, I probably needed some me time, but I'm sure I will get plenty of that after surgery.  It's a delicate balance. I feel alone but I don't want to guilt or burden anyone else to spend time with me when I know they have an equally demanding schedule.

And speaking of schedule's, I will wrap up this update/vent.  I've gotta finish cleaning up the room and get ready to have my car at the shop at 9:00 and then be home for my breast casting at 10:00.  Then  my 2nd opinion consultation at the cancer center is scheduled for 2:15pm and that leaves time for me to clean up after my 10am breast casting. It never ends.  I will update you all tomorrow on how it goes if time permits.  So don't worry about this cookie.  I'm putting the pieces back together and overall, I'm still in tact.  

Until the next time I type, take care and love each other....