The changing face of Cancer...

The changing face of cancer has a new spokeswoman. Well here's my exciting news! In between my phone calls to and from Kaiser, I received a call from two ladies. One, represents Susan G. Komen of Sacramento and the second runs the Sacramento Breast Cancer Resource Center. After hearing about my story from a friend in the area, they want me to participate in the 2010 Breast Cancer Survivor's calendar!!! (Click the link to see the 2009 Calendar.)

They are always looking for younger survivors to reach out to young women who think that they are "too young" to have Cancer. They will have us wear donated custom designed corsets. We're asked to give our measurements and tell the designer what color we would prefer to wear. I will keep everyone posted on how the shoot goes, but it's an all day shoot with hair and make-up stylists and the same photographer from last year. They also asked if I would be willing to do print, radio and other outreach mediums, especially amongst the African-American community.

I am honored, shocked, elated and pumped!!! I never thought that I would be the face of cancer in this way. I already felt like my voice can represent the voiceless. Those women who are either under insured, unaware or overwhelmed when it comes to being an advocate of their health need someone to relate to and speak for them. I will keep everyone posted once it gets closer, but the shoot will be in Sacramento on the Saturday June 13th! I never would have thought I'd be a calendar girl!!!

Crisis Averted- It's All Good!

I began up my appointment with a tad of unsettling news. When I told the on care- surgical Nurse Practioner about my numbness in my arm pit she said that unfortunately that may ALWAYS be the case. My appointment didn't last long and all is well in terms of my recovery. It didn't reopen because of my recent activity. She indicated that it is actually pretty common. Because my site was slightly superficial, my body didn't absorb it like the deeper stitches. She removed about a 2 inch stitch that was wrapped into the tissue but not healing. Therefore, my skin was irritated and with the constant water, shaving and deodorant it got gradually worse and the top layer didn't heal properly. She applied silver nitrate and "cauterized" the wound. I can return to work tomorrow and even exercise again. I'm sore but good! I'm at my survivors meeting and will post my exciting news later tonight!!
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Appointment Scheduled

So with my persistence, I was "squeezed in" at 4:00. I'll keep you abreast of things, but I'm sure it will go well! I'm going to throw on my shoes and head over there now and then my breast cancer support group meets this evening. I'll be sure to fill you in on the updates and some very EXCITING news that I found out today while waiting to hear back from Kaiser! Until later this evening, sorry for alllll of the updates and emails today!

Direct Contact...well sorta!

Let me say that it helps to have your doctor's direct phone number! I called and left her a message regarding my lymph node incision site reopening. She called me back and called surgery to find out what the status is, with the surgery after-care nurse practitioner that my request from this morning was referred to. I'm so glad that she is so consistent in following up with me. The receptionist from the department offered me a 11:00 am appointment tomorrow and I told her no since I was told to take off TODAY.

I'll keep you guys posted on how this all goes!

First Week Back at Work...In Review

So my first work week officially came to a close last Friday. And as my mom said "That week is gonna kick your @$$" She was right- to a certain extent. I probably should have worked my way into work gradually but in true Charm form I am either all in or all out! I worked my regular schedule of 7:30-4:00 and managed to make it to the gym on three of those work days, Monday after work and Wednesday and Friday before work. I admittedly have been feeling a bit tired but I have been infused with so much positive energy that it's carrying me through! My coworkers keep telling me that I look fabulous!! I think it's the lack of worry and stress that I was carrying on the inside for such a long time. Although I was mentally ok, I was visibly drained from carrying such a weight on my shoulders.

Now, it feels good to walk through life with seemingly a "clean slate" and by exercising and trying to be more "me". I've never had a problem speaking my mind, but for the first time in a long time, I feel freer. As standard, I ended my work week with a massage and Pasta Pomodoro! It was a great week and although I am actually working, I'm glad to be back on the grind. The first day back, someone couldn't find one of my files, but honestly, I didn't freak out... I didn't care. That one file isn't going to make or break me or my job so in the bigger scheme of life, I said "It will turn up." By the afternoon it had and I had lost no sweat of my back and there wasn't an elevated heart rate or panic attack that I endured from my constant high levels of stress and anxiety that I felt over the last year.

Now, I just breathe, stretch, laugh and let it go. Stress isn't worth your life! I'm still waiting for a call back from Kaiser, they have 15 minutes before I call them again. I'm not stressed, just being persistent! Until next time!

Just a Minor Setback...

Ok, sorry it has been a while since an update! I have been feeling good- more like great!! I started attending the gym last Saturday and only missed two days Tuesday and Thursday of last week! I've walked a total of about 19 miles since then!!! I am totally embracing a healthier more active lifestyle and paying attention to doctors orders. That's with one minor exception...



While I really was taking it easy, last night when I returned from the gym, I noticed that under my arm along the incision sight that there is about a half inch gash where it has reopened. Unfortunately, I'm still a bit numb and I didn't feel it although it is quite sore. As I type, I'm waiting for Kaiser to call me back and see what time they want me to come in. I will keep you posted! My surgeon isn't on duty today and I'm sure its fine!!! I'm down 2lbs and truly excited about that!



Thanks to all of you continuing to support me! My breast cancer survivors ball is this Saturday and I will definitely share my thoughts on it! My support group meets again tonight.



Keep you posted!

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The Most Wonderful News...EVER!

I won't lie that maybe I should have taken the advice of many and slowed down!  I was quite sore after typing my last blog and actually had my laptop shut for the last 4-6 days.  I just wanted to share with those that haven't heard the news since my follow-up appointment.  

I AM CANCER FREE!

Cancer has officially been evicted.  My margins are clear and no follow-up surgery is needed.  Not to mention that my surgeon has reviewed my tumor samples with three different pathologists and feels that they will monitor me closely for every three months and then annually but that radiation treatments and chemo are not necessary at this time =) My doctor is calling me a "medical miracle" in the fact that they aren't showing any cancer in my body and surrounding the removed tumor.  I have been ordered to take 50,000 units of Vitamin D and Calcium units weekly and of course to focus on my eating and exercise.

With so many people in my corner I am just humbled by this turn of events.  I feel remarkably fortunate and all I can say is that I know this wouldn't have been the news I had received if I didn't have countless of people praying for me not only from East Coast to West but in Hawaii, Amsterdam and Germany too!!! All I can say is THANK YOU!!

I'm still physically sore from where they removed my four lymph nodes but am just elated to hear my results.  I will keep all of you posted as I continue on my journey to help ALL women evict breast cancer that aren't as fortunate and blessed as me.

Just wanted to share the wonderful news!

Loving you!

~Charm~

Charmayne 1, Cancer 0.

At the insistence of all of you to rest, it has taken a moment for me to finish this blog about Thursday's surgery experience that I started writing on Saturday.  The great news is that I have upgraded to being able to use both hands!  I'm being cautious and careful with its use so no hate mail!!!

To bring you up to speed since my last post, on Wednesday around 4:30pm I had a mild meltdown at Kaiser when the ATM pin pad was broken and the medical secretary initially wouldn't release my medical records.  As you can imagine, I was a wreck but even more so considering their office closed at 4:45pm and I has just spent the last six hours at Kaiser.  I felt my face getting hot and me getting ready to unleash my helplessness and frustration on the unsuspecting secretary so I left the office empty handed.  I didn't have time to blog about it Wednesday because I was running out to Walnut Creek to meet a friend for dinner, but I was pretty upset.  I used a lifeline and phoned a friend and he convinced me to go back inside and speak with her.  I attempted to be calm and explained to her that I requested my records on February 27th and it was imperative I had them prior to my impending 7:00am surgery.  I had left a message with a supervisor on the Monday before surgery asking for them after being told that their copy person had been out for several days.  That excuse was unacceptable.  I also told the clerk it wasn't my fault that they were just ready the day before.  In the end, she allowed me to pay her a partial payment for my files with me giving her all of the cash I had on hand with the promise someone would pay the remaining $10 on surgery day.  Small crisis averted, but nevertheless it had been another moment I would have preferred to avoid.  After Kaiser I had my "last supper" at The Cheesecake Factory in Walnut Creek, with my girlfriend of 17 years.  After dinner, I washed my bed linens and took a much needed Valium prescribed by my surgeon earlier in the afternoon.  I was in bed around 1:00am and up around 6:00am.

Thursday, March 19, 2009 started like most others. There was a twinge of anxiety, wrapped in my not knowing what the other two lumps would be after having the biopsy the day before.  Yet, amidst all of that I wasn't nervous about the day.  My mom drove me over to Kaiser where we already had about 5 family friends gathered around 7:00 for support.  I was injected in radiology with a radioactive marker that makes it easier to detect my lymph nodes.  I was given a warm blanket and then returned to the surgical center to check-in and await my turn.  When called up, I was given my medical bracelet, asked to sign the privacy forms and most importantly pay my co-pay.  Now, in the system they showed that my surgeon had me scheduled to stay overninght which equated into a $200 co-pay instead of the $100 copay for the out patient surgical procedure that I was expecting.  I nearly had a John Q moment in regards to health care but will save that for another thread entirely.  I paid the copay instead of raising to much of a fuss and was told it is something I can get my money back if I didn't end up being checked into the hospital.

No more than maybe 15-20 minutes later, I was forced to relinquish my valuables including my CrackBery and called back to change into the most unflattering attire ever made!  While in the back I asked if I could have locker number 5 to store my things as it usually is one of my lucky numbers.. The attendant obliged and I stored all of my clothes there while changing into two blueish green gowns, two hospital socks and a blue cap.  I went from having the most fabulous hair in the room to being frumpy and plain.  I was walked down the corridor to the pre-surgery room where there were at least 20 beds some filled and some empty.  For whatever reason, Kaiser continued to have trouble with my last name! They said they weren't sure if my maiden or married was right.  To make it easier I advised them to just call me by my first name and forgo the formalities.  As in the locker room, bed five was empty and I asked for it.  Like before, it was fine with them and I settled in to my bed.  I had no idea if I would be there for a long or short time.  It was around 9:00 and at least an hour until I could expect to hear any news from my doctor on the eagerly anticipated pathology report.  During this time, my EKG pads were placed, IV hooked up, blood drawn and calming medicine injected all preparing me for surgery in case it was a green light.  Being stripped of my Blackberry and only having a magazine, I chose to allow myself to sleep to pass the time.  Shortly after 10:00 I awoke when they allowed my mom to come back and visit with me.  The rest of things from that point moved fairly quickly for me as it did for most of you!  Around 10:30 a scrub nurse was on the phone in front of me and speaking with my surgeon and hangs up to tell me the great news that the results are benign and we are moving forward with the surgery.  Of course I was elated and breathed the first deep and full breath I had breathed in the last 48 hours since finding out of the other potentially harmful lumps.   When I asked if I was still on for 2:00 she said no, that there had been a cancellation and I would be going in for surgery shortly.  Knowing that everyone in Charm's Cancer Crew was just as anxious as I, I made my one phone call to the outside world on Kaiser's phone to Jenn who quickly got out the "Green light" blog and alerted all of you to the great news.  My mom and my aunt and uncle disappeared and I don't even really remember seeing them go! By then, the adrenaline and excitement of finally having surgery took over.  The nurse that kept checking on me was nice and pleasant and within 15 minutes they were unhooking me from the wall and wheeling me to the left corridor.  About this time I was already hearing the ER theme music in my head and looking for my own Dr. Benton!! 

Yes, I am an avid ER watcher and interestingly enough, had watched the episode the week before my surgery featuring Dr.Benton's return along with Nurse Hathaway and Dr. Ross.  During the episode, Dr. Benton sits in on the surgery for Carter's transplant and prior to proceeding, he asks if the "checklist" has been completed.  The surgeon performing the surgery reminds Benton he is merely observing and does not want to perform it. However, the rest of the OR staff obliged and begin with introducing themselves and checking for key items they may need during surgery.  The execution of the checklist in that surgery potentially saved Carter's life when a key fluid was on hand which wasn't initially.  So when I am wheeled into the OR, I was pumped to say the least!  The first thing I did when I saw the two new scrub nurses and techs was ask about the "checklist"!  They were wondering how I knew about it and laughing!  I shared with them my love of ER and Grey's Anatomy.  The friendly nurse from before said that ER is why she chose to go into the profession.  We had small talk and everyone kept remarking on my positive attitude especially when I thanked them for helping me Kick Cancer's Ass.  After about four deep breaths of the oxygen/gas it was "lights out".  

According to those patiently waiting for me on the outside, my surgery began around 10:45 PST and by 1:05 PST the hospital pager was vibrating alerting them that I was out of surgery and in the recovery room.  I remember coming to in the post-op wing and things being beyond hazy.  I remember them attempting me to drink which I kept refusing with good reason.  I eventually acquiesced and sipped water which I immediately expelled from my stomach.  I reminded them of my tolerance to anesthesia and more anti-nausea meds were quickly pumped into my IV.  My surgeon came over and told me that everything went well and my lymph nodes were clear.  I asked her my stage and she said one. I asked her to repeat it just so I knew that I heard her correctly. My tumor and cancer was only at a Stage 1.  She told me to take it easy and at my insistence if I still felt up to it, I was free to go home once more of the anesthesia wore off.  Since my party was dining in the cafeteria and not there when I came to, I was lucky that the founder of my local breast cancer support group had missed them and was in the waiting room when my name was called.  She sat with me as I fought off the drugs and was there as the charge nurse offered me juice and graham crackers.  After keeping both of those items down, I was even more ready to get dressed and roll out the hospital!  She helped me dress carefully as the gauze wrapped from my underarm to my left breast and included the biopsied site from the day before.  By the time my friends and family came to get me I was dressed and while in a haze, I was positively relieved.  The rest of Thursday and the days to follow have been surrounded with love, laughter and light.  I have the most amazing circle of anyone I know.  Each day even approaching five days after surgery, more flowers, cards, gifts, food and visitors arrive.  It is positively wonderful and although the crackberry is back in my warm hands, I am exercising much restraint!  I email when I can but I don't feel obligated to reply or even answer every single call or text.  My throat is still sore from the breathing tube and I am feeling better, but my medicine also makes me sleepy and I have been turning my phone off if I feel a nap coming on. To be honest, I feel well, just sore.  My left underarm is still numb from the removal of several lymph nodes but my breast incision doesn't hurt nearly as much and only throbs occasionally.  I've removed the gauze and showered several times and trust my surgeon will advise me it is healing well when I see her in a few days.  I keep ice on the area and maybe take pain pills once or twice a day instead of every four hours as directed.

My cancer journey is far from over.  I'm pleased to say that I am confident I have won the battle although the war isn't over.  A few of you have asked where I go from here.  This Thursday, I will meet with my surgeon to make sure that my margins around the tumor are clear and no potentially cancerous tissues remain.  If they aren't clear then another surgery to clean them up will be scheduled.  If they are clear then I will be assigned my oncologist and begin the conversation on treatment.  So I am still not 100% sure if chemo is a possibility.  Like everything thus far, I will keep you all posted as things progress with my personal treatment plan.  However, being stage 1 and having clear lymph nodes is an AMAZINGLY lucky thing and wonderful sign.  So as far as the battle goes here's the score: Charmayne 1, Cancer 0.  Continue to keep me in your hearts, prayers and minds as the days continue.  I am thankful for all of the emails and love rendered thus far.  It is truly helping me to make this journey easier!  As you can see it is "late" and I am going to change my ice packs and turn in.  

Until next type, all I can say is thank you and carpe diem!!

Home and Resting

I just got word that Charm is home and resting. She'll be up to contacting folks tomorrow when she feels a bit more comfortable.

:)

Jenn

Out of Surgery

I just got word that she is out of surgery and it went without a hitch. She is in recovery and looks like she will be able to make it home tonight.

Will keep you posted :)

Jenn

Green Light!

I received word from Charmayne who is hooked up to IV, heart monitor (I can hear the beeps in the background), and is receiving some good drugs, that it is a GREEN LIGHT for her surgery! The other lumps they found WERE NOT CANCEROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT

She is scheduled for 10:30am (PST) surgery--- which was moved up because another surgery was cancelled. She said to please keep the prayers coming because they worked! Will keep everyone posted.

P.S. The doctor said she might have to stay overnight and if she is feeling well she will go home.

P.P.S. her blackberry is deactivated- by the medical powers that be.

All Systems GO!

As I type I have ice packs in my breasts to contain the swelling from my biopsy today on the new suspicious mass my MRI picked up. Two of the three were considered to be "nodes" and that's good and the last one could be a fibroadenoma which could be benign.  So after my ultrasound, meeting with the anesthesiologist, surgeon and having my blood drawn we are a green light for tomorrow's surgery. I am off to an event and will give more of the dramatic details later if I feel up to it.  But, here's the crash course.  The new suspicious tissue was biopsied. I won't find out until tomorrow around 10:30 am or so IF it is CANCER.  Now, if it is- then my surgery will be cancelled because they will have to perform a mastectomy.  Because I am opting to have reconstruction, they will have to check the plastic surgeon's schedule and confirm his availability for next week.

If the mass is BENIGN and not cancerous the lumpectomy surgery will take place around 2pm PST.  It is about an hour and a half long depending on how many lymph nodes need to be extracted- again this has to do with staging my cancer.  So, either way I will be HOME tomorrow evening  either dozing from the wonderful drugs or anticipating the next step.  I am doing ok and embracing both options and breathing through this "curve ball" of a day.  I am cut off from food after midnight and savoring my last 4 thin mint cookies that are in the freezer and in search for my last meal!  I am fresh out of the shower and was eager to wash the day away because it was "craptaculous" as one soror friend named it!  But, I am pushing through it and still finding away NOT to crack although the medical secretary was almost eaten for lunch- another story entirely. Moving on...

For those of you reading that are NOT coming to the hospital but want a phone call when I am out of surgery please email cincharm@gmail.com or my personal (NON SORORITY) email address so that I can keep it all straight.  I'm off to meet a friend and will give more info as I think of it later.  Thanks for the emails/Blackberry Messages/Calls/FaceBook and Text messages. I've been busy but appreciate you all reaching out!

Until then...

Just Breathe...

Today was better than the one before.  I have 95% completed the clean-up project I embarked upon in my room to get in"surgery ready".  This morning I had my breast molding with a wonderful woman who works at Sutter Solano hospital.  The process was a tad messy but fun!  She was great and modesty went completely out of the window as we recreated a lasting memory of what my breasts are prior to surgery.  Here's a picture of the semi-final project.  

I still have to fill in some of the weak spots and sand it and glaze it and then I have to decide what the final design will be!  I will definitely make sure to reveal the final finished project once it's completed! 

After, my breast impression I headed over to my second opinion appointment with Sutter Solano Medical Center's Cancer Center.  It is a warm and inviting new building that is only a few years old.  Of course, mom was in tow and we met with Dr.M and she reviewed my chart, history and discussed the local and systemic treatment options for someone facing my diagnosis.  As most doctors have commented, my age is very shocking but a reminder that Cancer is a very random thing these days.  Most cases are showing that all newly diagnosed cancer patients like me, have zero family history.  Research is critical in finding out more information of this deadly disease.  At any rate, we discussed how my tumor had been benign for several years and then recently turned cancerous.  She remarked that it is quite rare for doctors to see well differentiated cancer cells such as the one's I have.  Because my cancer is very slow growing, it is plausible that I have had it longer than the 6month-1 year estimate made by my doctor originally.  However, she agreed that i haven't had it for 9 years which is about as long as it has been since I first had the fine needle biopsy when I was in college.  As far as treatment, she felt that a lumpectomy would be the good choice but with the recent phone call I received from my surgeon-things may change.

While driving to the appointment, I received a call from my breast surgeon at Kaiser who received the results of my breast MRI a day early.  There is good news and bad (unknown) news.  My right breast is still normal and healthy... YAY!  However, my left breast shows other markings that could be a cyst or nodules that could be normal..or they could also be malignant as well.  Clearly, this changes things in regards to the approach and treatment plan.  An emergency appointment was scheduled with radiology for 10am tomorrow to find out a bit more on what it is.  If in fact there are other suspicious elements in my breast the better of the options may be to undergo the mastectomy of that breast.  This becomes an option because they can't perform "multiple" lumpectomies on the one breast and also because my current tumor was benign at one point and it changed...who's to say these other cysts could change later too?  As I've said before, I want to be on the road to recovery and having to reinvent the wheel with more surgeries for something I could have stopped initially would be ideal.  One other thing that came out of the 2nd opinion consultation is the fact that I should expect to have a chemo treatment regimen.  Studies are showing that women such as myself that are pre-menopausal have a greater success rate when they undergo a chemo treatment.  This is especially true considering that my tumor size is around 3cm which is considered moderately large.  The tumor size can also impact the cancer recurrence rate.  In short, she advised me that i should consider shopping for wigs now. 

So two potentially heavy blows, but here I sit and I'm still "hanging in here".  I will try and keep everyone informed on what happens tomorrow.  If in fact I have the mastectomy then I should expect a hospital stay and a longer recovery period.  In the meanwhile, I'm just breathing and taking it in one breathe and one day at a time.  Earlier today I spoke with Judi Grove, the owner of Breast Impressions and she again remarked at my strength and attitude when I called to thank her for my kit and tell her how well it all went.  One thing she said struck me.  She said that she tries to not have any expectations and only see opportunities.  I've had a similar approach with people in terms of not expecting them to do anything because it saves me from being disappointed in the end.  But, I have never thought to change that thinking into an approach of a situation.  I tried very hard not to expect things to go a certain way this week because honestly, I didn't expect to get cancer!!! Again, no one does but it wasn't my personal life plan and it's obvious that greater plans are in store for me.  So many of the words I keep hearing in my cards and from all of you is in regards to my strength.  Thanks for thinking so! I'm just pushing through and trying to swim on.  It's a challenge but when I have my moments I start by just breathing and returning to the basics.  Tomorrow will be another important lesson on the journey with patience and breathing...I'll keep you posted.  Thanks for reading and your unyielding support!

Until tomorrow, sleep well! 

The Cookie Officially Crumbled...

If I were to be a cookie, then today I probably would have been a Chocolate Chip.  Each carefully sculpted chip would have represented one emotion felt throughout the course of the day.  However, the name and flavor of the chip simply would have been "overwhelmed".  I'll start with a brief rundown of the day.  This morning I was up at 5:45am so I can make it to Kaiser Walnut Creek for my Breast MRI by 7:00.  I asked my aunt to tag along on the expedition because she works there and to give her a chance to be included in my cancer journey.  The drive, parking and getting to Kaiser went well and the 30 minute drive was virtually traffic free which is rare on a Monday morning.  I wasn't sure what to expect from the breast MRI and didn't find out what i was getting myself into until I was let back into the actual room.  Like most MRI's you are in a flat "bed" that is pushed and pulled into the scanner. However with a breast MRI, you are face down with arms in front of your head like a prayer pose while laying flat as your breasts dangle through a rectangular shaped cavity.  I also had no idea that I would be receiving and IV today.  The red and blue mark on my arm hours later is a lingering reminder of the day and that more marks will be coming this week as I get stuck again at Thursday's surgery.  The purpose of today's IV was to inject a die into me to allow for a better scan.  30 minutes later of laying in this position, with ear plugs in my ears I was done and allowed to leave.  I actually felt crippled as I left because my back pain was excruciating from having to hold so still.  I just kept trying to breathe through the noise and at one point I think I fell asleep but the noise quickly brought me back to reality.

After the MRI was breakfast with my aunt and then she graciously accompanied me home to pick up my disability paperwork prior to heading to Kaiser Vallejo.  Now, last night, a group of sisters and aunts were all but yelling at me to get my papers in asap, although the medical secretary told me they couldn't accept them until my pre-op or the day of surgery because in some cases people cancel the surgery and the paperwork has already been submitted.  Well, I went to the medical secretaries office with all forms in hand and completed and was pleasantly surprised that I was allowed to drop them off and submit them. Score one for team Charm.  Now, the other minor disturbance today, was that my car made a grinding noise as I pulled away from the curb as I left Kaiser Walnut Creek.  It of course was alarming because for those of you that really know me- you know how much I love my car and that my car is my sanctuary!!! Driving it truly gives me peace of mind...unless there's traffic and even then sometimes I am ok!  At any rate, I'm taking my car into the shop tomorrow morning but it is just one more thing to add to the list of things going on this week.  

While, on the way to take my aunt home, I get a call from Sutter Solano Cancer Center regarding scheduling an appointment for tomorrow for a 2nd opinion.  My mom along with the woman in charge of my new support group, have been feeling very strongly that I should still obtain a 2nd opinion prior to any surgery.  Now, I won't say that she's biased because she works for Sutter but it is very frustrating to have one more thing thrown into the mix 3 days before surgery.  She and my mom spoke at great length about it on Saturday and I understand them both wanting me to receive the best care possible for my condition but the irony is that I'm the one with cancer and I swear it feels like most days- no one is really listening to me.  It is with that sentiment and also feeling like I am alone and will forever be single in my "post-cancer" life that this cookie, officially crumbled today.  It wasn't a nervous shake crumble, but there were tears and me crawling into bed for a much needed nap.  It wasn't until talking with a couple of friends via GCHAT and one on the phone that I attempted to leave the doldrums.  I won't lie, it was a very hard thing to do today.  A group of close friends had planned a "pre-surgery soiree" at Skate's which is a seafood restaurant on the water in Berkeley.  I followed instructions and got dolled up for the occasion although today's activities left me drained and frustrated to no end.  I am just getting back from the dinner and had a really great time. Good food, great friends and a gorgeous environment.  A chat with one of the girls at the end of the night left me feeling a little bit better about reaching out when I need things and when I really do feel alone.  On Saturday, it was terrible.  I didn't eat my first meal until after 9pm and partly because I was so depressed that I couldn't find anyone to do the two things I had wanted to do.  One was head to Nordstroms and the other was to head to my favorite winery.  Both were strikes and I didn't want to inconvenience anyone else at the last minute and be disappointed anymore so I stayed in the bed.  Yes, I probably needed some me time, but I'm sure I will get plenty of that after surgery.  It's a delicate balance. I feel alone but I don't want to guilt or burden anyone else to spend time with me when I know they have an equally demanding schedule.

And speaking of schedule's, I will wrap up this update/vent.  I've gotta finish cleaning up the room and get ready to have my car at the shop at 9:00 and then be home for my breast casting at 10:00.  Then  my 2nd opinion consultation at the cancer center is scheduled for 2:15pm and that leaves time for me to clean up after my 10am breast casting. It never ends.  I will update you all tomorrow on how it goes if time permits.  So don't worry about this cookie.  I'm putting the pieces back together and overall, I'm still in tact.  

Until the next time I type, take care and love each other....

My Cancer "Birthday"

I am so loved.  I really am.  I can't even describe the positive energy, gifts and expressions I've received today and over the past 3 weeks.  I can't describe it!  Today was my last official day at work prior to surgery.  It started on a bad note considering I didn't wake up until 7:45am which is when I am usually at my desk!!!!  Oh well!  I still showered, dressed and wore the pink and green breast cancer jacket that I designed and headed off to "Alcatraz".  It was a good day! I had lunch with a small group of coworkers and they presented me with the cutest gift!!! It was definitely a cancer themed gift and a story went with each item.  I've attached photos so that this makes a bit more sense!!  Everything in bold is the name of the gift/product.

Here's the letter word for word from my coworkers:

Our Dearest Charmayne,

There are very few people that we meet in our life that we can truly say are beautiful.Being beautiful is much more than being beautiful to the sight or the mind, but it's also about being elegant, lovely, fair, charming, graceful, and delightful as well.  So as you take on this crazy battle with breast cancer, always know that you are beautiful both inside and out.  It radiates from whom you are and can be spotted in you from a mile a way!!

So let's take a look inside!  What is this gift we have here?  As you take a look at this, there are things we should explain.

This gift is divided into 3 different parts; we have the diagnosis, the treatment, and the recovery.  So lets begin :-)

The Diagnosis:

Just a Minute!!! Now wait just a minute...that is what was running through our minds as you shared your diagnosis with us.  How can this be? Your only 28?  I am sure you thought the exact same thing.

Delicate Petals:  With your diagnosis comes the reality of us all being delicate petals in this world. Cancer knows no age, no sex, and no color.  We all are vulnerable to this nasty illness.

The Treatment:

Smarties..Being the strong smarty-pants that we know you are, you immediately began researching all of your options. You chose to show cancer just who it was messing with.

Tough as Nails..Wow did cancer choose the wrong girl. :-) You are tough as nails and we know you are going to be just fine. But if you need us...we will be

 your strengthening topcoat.

Protected...rest you're weary head my friend, we've got your back!!!

Sweethearts...now come on...do I really need to explain this one.  Sweet and sassy, gotta love it!!!!

Beauty Rush Lip Gloss...This one holds double the meaning.  1st of all, you never know when there will be a cute tech just around the next corner so you always need to be prepared. 2nd you know what, cancer can just kiss your sweet ass!!!!  (On a personal note this is my fav! Especially since they know I have like EVERY flavor! I love this lip gloss!)

Orbitz...Puuuulllllllllllleezzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeee....like you are going to brush your teeth after surgery!! I know I wouldn't.

The Recovery:

Don't Worry Be Hoppy!! Sing it now...don't worry...be happy now!!! There will be days that you just don't want to think about a thing and you will have time to fill.  Be a kid again, learn how much fun coloring can be :-)

Healing through Humor...Just in case you need a little help with a good laugh.  After all, you will not have your Copart family to laugh at for a little while so you might need ideas.

Healing Garden Uplifting Jasmine..For those moments that you need to sooth your soul.  It's amazing how just a great lotion can take you away for a few moments.

Alcatraz..So...you think you are having it rough? Give a shout out to all of us here at Copart. Can you say ball and chain? Can you hear them? 

Encouragement. Just a few words to lift your day!

Brighton Key Chain...We chose this key chain as a symbol of the road you will travel, There will be dark and light days ahead, but always know you will be feeling bright-and shiny real soon.

McDonald Dollars...Now come on...You know you love it!!!

Have fun with your gifts! All of Our Love,

Your Copart Family

So, along with the gift there was a card signed by everyone.  Now, at my job we pass cards around almost every day it seems for everyone to sign to wish someone a happy birthday.  Out of habit, one coworker signed my "get well soon" card and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"  It was the funniest thing!!! I looked at the writing on the Barnes and Noble gift card I received and it also said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!! So even though it was my other coworkers actual birthday today i feel as if I shared in the love and it was my "cancer birthday!"  It reminded me of the Oprah episode from last week in which she filmed live from Walter Reed hospital in DC and spoke with the amputees and veterans about their "alive day".  And that's the day they woke up from being blown up or shot and realized that they are in fact still alive.  I am so blessed to be alive and well!!! And even though I am not at 100% right now, I will be very soon! So maybe my diagnosis date of 2-17-09 is my "cancer birthday!" The date I was reborn into something better, stronger and more alive.

After the presentation, the rest of my day went smoothly.  My desk is tidy and I had my Friday afternoon hour and a half appointment with "magic hands".  I LOVE my masseuse!  After that I met my mom for dinner at where else but Pasta Pomodoro!! It's becoming my Friday ritual..massage and pasta!.  Now, I am going to clean up and unwind and watch last night's episodes of Grey's Anatomy and ER. 

The weather may have had something to do with it but it was an amazingly beautiful day!!!! I'm so lucky to have amazing coworkers to share it and although many of you reading aren't here with me physically as I make my journey but please believe everything you have done and continue to do brighten my days and nights!!!

Until then...6 days and counting!!!!

Smile, Laugh and be well....

Seven Whole Days

Seven whole days until surgery!  It seemed like forever-ago (yes, I'm aware that's not a word, lol) when I was called and told of my diagnosis.  While it's only been 3 weeks so much has happened! And now we are in the single digit countdown towards a life-defining surgery.  It's almost pre-emptive to place a lot of weight on the surgery before knowing it's outcome, but I not only feel that it will go well, I know that in the smallest event it doesn't, I am mentally prepared for that option too.  The phrase "shit happens" couldn't be more relevant here!!! Things happen and when they do you have either prepared for it or not.  I think I am still in an awesome state of mind and open to the possibilities and the things that can occur while firmly grasping hold of the images of me post recovery.  Imagery and positive thinking are important tools to have in any one's arsenal.  It's taken sometime, but I am beginning to use mine.  I'm not worried, not overwhelmed (not even with work) and I am not afraid of anything or anyone.  Things can and will only get better for me at this point, but I think it's not only because I want them to but because I actually see the forest through the trees!!! And I have to tell you...it looks beautiful!!!  Well, I am off to straighten up and watch TV on my FAVORITE night!!! Until another post, speak positive, think positive and then you will be positive!!!

Loving you!!!

Coming out of the background...

...and into the foreground is a friend, subscriber and supporter, Jenn!

In preparation for next weeks big surgery, she agreed to be the fingers for my thoughts and words until I'm able to successfully wield my 16lb laptop. Yes, my HP really does weigh that much! So, you may see her added as a co-author of the blog and that will be until I'm up and running!  A few of you have also offered to help me in a plethora of ways and I will have a job for some of you soon, if I don't already!!  

So don't be surprised to see a post that "sounds" like me but is from Jenn =)  It's also possible that I may have someone log in as me while they visit if I have something I'd like to blog about. I know that all of you don't really expect me to sit idly by after surgery and that's just my restless nature!!! I've actually posted from my Blackberry before so that's another option too.  I just wanted to give you that update and otherwise, stay tuned and well until the next episode...

Sharing an old cup with new friends...

Not much has happened since my last post. I'm still in good spirits and while it seems many around me are whispering and waiting for the other shoe to drop, my spirit remains in tact and possibly stronger than it has in a very long time.  I was so sad most of 2008 and swallowed those feelings for so long that I almost see my cancer diagnosis as blessing and a means for me to escape the old me as I transition into this next phase of my life.  

Today was another good day on the cancer front but the world's WORST cramps in America kept me from attending work.  It's the first sick day I've had since January and my diagnosis.  It came at a good time and I was able to really rest my body and calm my mind.  This weekend I was in a cleaning/organizing state-of-mind to make my room "surgery ready".  I know I won't be able to lift and I want to have all of my books and movies ready and accessible.  In my cleaning spree- I was desperately searching for a brochure that I picked up at my last Relay For Life in August.  I finally found it and made a call to Judi of Breast Impressions. Breast Impressions is an amazing non-profit organization  based in Oklahoma, that offers a memory to women that are faced with breast cancer surgery.  I originally picked up the flier wishing that I could have known about it in time to share with my friend that had her double mastectomy the month before the cancer walk.  I never thought that the flier I took then would be the flier that gives me comfort and hope 7 months later.  Judi was beyond amazing.  The organization provides the breast casting kits free of charge to all women diagnosed with breast cancer even those out of her home state.  She also referred me to the local nurse that had the booth at the Relay for Life, last August. I've already emailed with Peggy and she has agreed to come help me do my casting of my breasts before my surgery!  Because it's paper mache it really is a two-person job.  Once my cast is done I'll decorate it and have a work of art that is personal and perfectly me.  Please check out their website and photo gallery so you can have a better idea of what I mean! 

Young Survival Coalition is another resource I was given today by Judi and it's a group that started to bring awareness to survivors of breast cancer that are younger than 40.  It's sad that even within a disease there can be so much ageism and people thinking "you shouldn't have breast cancer because you're not 42".  Those thoughts exist and while every day a 1/4 of a million women under 40 live in this country with breast cancer more can be done to change the stigma associated with breast cancer.  I'm looking forward to being contacted by them and I created an online profile to meet with other young survivors.  Although I have a lot of support, my issues and thoughts are different based on my age and current experiences.  I'm looking forward to becoming an advocate for other young women and helping to change the way the world views breast cancer and the women surviving it every day.

Keeping with a positive breast cancer day, it ended tonight as I attended my first support group for breast cancer survivors.  "The Over-Flowing Cup" is a breast health and women's empowerment program that began in Solano County by a mother and daughter duo that were diagnosed with breast cancer within three months of each other.  The group has grown a lot since 2000 but their mission of early breast cancer detection and establishing a culturally sensitive support group and services for the county remain the same.  I went back in forth in my head for a short while regarding attending the meeting.  Not because I didn't think that I could benefit from a support group at this stage of my diagnosis, but because I truly didn't want to be engulfed in any one's "pity party".  My commitment to fighting my cancer is strong and I don't need anyone else trying to rain or stomp on my parade.  Let's just say that tonight I was pleasantly surprised at the intimate group and sister setting.  We met at a local Starbucks and I not only shared my story but smiles over one of my favorite drinks.  The majority of the group have been survivors for 5 years or more, while one first time member is undergoing chemo and nearing the end of her treatment journey while mine is just beginning.  However, no matter the place on the journey, I was given encouragement of things to expect and that in the event my seemingly positive and optimistic persona "cracks" it's ok.  That moment will only allow me to dig deeper and if it doesn't come- that's all right too.  One of the things that was said tonight that really stuck with me is that a woman isn't defined by her breast cup- or even the existence of breasts at all.  Breasts don't determine worth.  It's a great thought and I'm going to try and repeat it daily and not take the surgery of my breasts so personally.  So while drinking my favorite coffee drink (5 pump soy white mocha, stirred with whip) I made new friends and sisters that embrace me and where I am at this point of a journey that is so familiar to them.  I am now committed to helping them with their local outreach and fundraising for their 6th annual black and white gala in May "Steppin' to Survive".  I can't wait!

So, all in all, things are going well 9 days until surgery.  We're in a single digit countdown and I'm still ready to rock-and-roll into surgery and get this over and done with.  Thanks again for rolling with me!  I'm sure all of you are sleeping well and I'm going to crawl in bed and join you! Good night (morning) and sweet dreams!!! Be well!

Boob Voyage!

As I've mentioned before, I am so fortunate to have a wonderful support system! From prayer warriors to sorors to close family friends I have and awesome team to help me navigate this cancer journey.  But, what makes my journey that much more of a blessing (or a curse depending on how one views it) is that I know several women who have stood and walked in the shoes I am in today.  One of my "guides" and I spoke today and on Saturday and talked about groups and although I have known her for a while, it was the first time that I actually heard her story of beating cancer.  She is a 6 year breast cancer survivor and had a staging of three almost four at the time she was diagnosed.  It is clear she has a purpose here and isn't done with her journey- just like I'm not done with mine.  Well, she ended up having to have a mastectomy to remove her breast and has continued to battle breast cancer in her other one and has had a lumpectomy in the other breast.  Being post fifty she decided against having reconstruction on the original breast and next Thursday she has decided to remove her other remaining breast- voluntarily.  She was hesitant to tell me of next Thursday's surgery because she knows that all of this cancer talk is quite new to me.  But she invited me to her "Boob Voyage Party"!!!  I was too excited for her and although she says it is hard to tell those invited that she is not going to have a perky new set, but is going for the "board" look.  We laughed as she told me she's excited to finally do her yoga moves and running on the treadmill without her boobs getting in the way.  

It is in these moments, that I am so fortunate to be where I am.  A woman who has the sense of humor to laugh at life and all of the CRAP that's being thrown my way.  As many of you have spoken with me in the past two weeks you have heard many of my Cancer related jokes!  Some of you have found it "odd" but I won't apologize for making you uncomfortable.  Laughter is an amazing healer and I'm finding it is working at keeping me from going insane!!! It's laughter, friends and prayer that are keeping me on the winning end of what many would think is the short end of the stick.  So keep laughing with me and praying for me and together we will make it through this and the rest of the things that are tossed at us that we would rather avoid.  In the end, once we've cleaned up all the crap we have more than enough reasons to celebrate!!!  I can't wait to celebrate at my own mini version of the boob voyage party and enjoy the sweet taste of victory and the refreshing reminder of while it is good to have a good life, good friends and someone you love, it is important to have family and friends that you love in your life but most important that they love you in return!!!  Thanks for all of the love!

Until next post.... boob voyage, be well and love each other and yourself!!!

A Scheduled Surgery ....yay!

Good evening! Today was most definitely better than the one before! Work was better, I finished the work week with a massage and Pasta Pomodoro.  As I type, I have a herbal heating pad on my neck as I plan to get caught up on my Tivo'd shows for the week. =) It's all about restoring me to a place of peace!

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update.  My surgeon called today. I advised her that I prefer they perform the lumpectomy and I undergo the radiation treatments.  I asked her about the centimeters of my tumor and the margins of error. She said she will remove the tumor and then make sure she clears around up to the healthy tissue.  At 7:00am the day of the surgery they will inject a marker (radioactive dye) that they can scan for during the surgery to see how far it travels and inspect the health of my lymph nodes.  This will determine the staging that everyone keeps asking about.  While still in surgery, they will remove those first two lymph nodes. In the event the cancer has spread, they will continue to remove as many as necessary.  If the lymph nodes look cancer-free, they will not remove them.  If the surgery goes well, the lump will be removed, along with the cancer and I will continue with radiation treatments for  five days a week for seven weeks.  She advised that my oncologist will be assigned to my case and I will meet with them once my pathology report is back after surgery.  It is still probable that I will also have to endure chemotherapy treatments in addition to the radiation.  I will know a lot more about that after speaking with my oncologist.  

So for now, my breast MRI will be at 7:15am on March 16th. I meet with my surgeon on March 18th at 1:30pm to review those results and receive pre-surgery instructions. And finally, my surgery date will be March 19th! That news alone made my day!  I will be off for about five weeks and she stated I won't immediately begin radiation treatments right after the surgery. They will wait to make sure that they removed all of the cancer.  It will take about a week for them to have that information.  I may have to go back in for additional surgery if they don't have good margins of error around the tumor removal site or if the cancer has spread further than they thought.  We will just cross that bridge when we come to it.  For now, I have a date and a plan and we will make sure to continue on the path of restoration and wellness!!!  

I'm going to tune into ER and enjoy the rest of my Friday night! I wish you all laughter and love until the next time I type!!!

One more thing!

I almost forgot to bring this up.  Some of you recall in the "Decisions, Decisions, Decisions" blog I was thinking that I can just take Tamoxifen and that could work to eradicate the cancer.  Now, it would help not feed the current cells but it won't remove the existing cancer cells or my tumor. Therefore surgery of some degree is necessary at this point!  Hope that clears that up!!!  

Loving you....